We spend every Christmas in Flagstaff, Arizona - as far away from the heat and humidity of Florida as possible. This holiday is the first time I've traveled post-transplant and the first time in over four years that I haven't had to make travel dialysis arrangements in advance.

I keep holding my breath as if (tomorrow, the next day, or the next) I'll have to be heading off to a treatment in the middle of vacation...

Over the many years I've taken daily doses of medications, I've developed some of my own tried and true methods to get the stuff down the hatch.

These ideas aren't exactly a "spoonful of sugar" like your grandmother used to say, but here's what works for me in regards to taking pills of all sizes:

If I were someone relatively unfamiliar with my own health and how my body reacts to different things, then I'd be darned confused at this point.

Luckily, I've managed to keep up - barely.

My insomnia has only gotten worse. In the past I've tried Klonopin, Sonata, Lunesta, Ambien CR and varying amounts of Trazodone (25-100mgs). I've had a prescription for regular Ambien (and Trazodone) for ages, but it just doesn't work anymore.

Nothing is working. If I manage to fall asleep, its hardly ever before 2 am, and then I wake up around 6 am every morning. I'm awake (out of bed) for about an hour (making sure my son gets ready for school) and then I try to go back to sleep. From 7 am until 11 am (at the latest) I lie in bed, tossing and turning, trying to will myself back to sleep. Then, I finally just give up and get out of bed.

I feel exhausted and none of my doctors have a good suggestion - its just "try this one" and then I get a handful of sample pills and/or a prescription.

When I was at my LifeLink appointment on Thursday I asked the transplant nephrologist what he recommended - he seemed annoyed that I was even asking. He told me to ask one of my 'regular' doctors (uh... WHAT?!) My 'regular' nephrologist is always the most helpful (and the doctor I trust the most) so I'll have to beg for some new approach to try when I see him on Monday.

In the meantime... Does anyone have some suggestions for 'natural' remedies?! Yes, I've already tried tea, warm milk, a warm bath, no daytime naps and getting more exercise. What's left?

I have to laugh at myself, sometimes.

I take my medications every day at 9:30 am/pm. A few of them make me a little nauseous, but not too bad. However, this week I started taking the 2 antibiotics that the GYN prescribed (my kidney doctor seemed to think it was OK and wouldn't hurt) and BOTH of them make me sick to my stomach. I can avoid this by eating a piece of bread or even drinking some milk, but do I? Apparently not.

We sleep in pretty late on Saturdays, but I always set my alarm to remind myself to take my meds @ 9:30. This morning I punched the snooze at least 3 times because I didn't want to get up and eat something. Finally I just decided 'what the hell, I just take them on an empty stomach'...

... an hour later? Yeah. Throwing up in the bathroom, cursing myself for being lazy.

Heh.

(I'm fine now, BTW)

Alright, so I'm going to go ahead and tell the intranetz: I'm having a hysterectomy and an oophorectomy on January 11, 2008.

What does this mean? For one, it means no more monthly cycles (yay!) on the other hand, it means the big "M" - menopause (boo!)

In the meantime (between now and January 11th) should I worry? Can I spend extra time wondering 'what if'? Do I have the strength and emotional fortitude to afford to make myself miserable? No, not really.

Then again, I've had awhile to get used to this... but, it doesn't make it any easier, though, nor does it mean I have the ability to spontaneously "not freak out". It's on my mind pretty much constantly...

Today I gave a friend (who's dealing with her own female-related problems PLUS a lot of other people who aren't always very understanding) some advice:

"I won’t tell you not to freak out, in fact I’ll tell you that its perfectly normal, expected and OK for you TO freak out. Freaking out does relive a little bit of stress, right? So, it can’t be all that bad."

Now, if only I could take my own advice...

Tomorrow morning (insanely early, BTW!) is my 6-month post-transplant appointment at LifeLink. I haven't been there since September as I'm now under my "regular" nephrologist's care. I've been doing outstanding in the kidney department - with labs to prove it!

I need to remember to ask my transplant nephrologist about a few things:

1. I'm a little concerned about my on-going low serum calcium level, especially with my upcoming surgery in January and the effect it will have on my calcium level, too.

2. I also need to ask about the medications the newest GYN prescribed on Monday (should I take them or not?) My notion is 'no' I shouldn't be taking them.

3. Need to get the 'final approval' for the surgery - as in, should they do it now or later (as in 6 months from now). If you have no idea what I'm talking about (what? more surgery?) FYI I have to have a hysterectomy, and most likely an oophorectomy, on January 11, 2008. (Go back and read any posts with the word 'hoo-hoo' in it and you'll catch up...)

4. Find out if its really necessary for me to be on a 3/3 Prograf dose - I'm experiencing a LOT of side-effects.

5. Suggestions for my insomnia.

I think that about covers it. Thank goodness LifeLink (and the staff/doctors/nurses) has always made me feel comfortable and well cared-for. Otherwise I might be anxious about tomorrow's appointment.

Six months ago today I'd barely been out of surgery for a few hours - with a new, functioning kidney. Six months! It seems as though in many ways the time has flow by, but the at the same time I've never missed a moment enjoying the benefit of having a working kidney. Would you believe that I think about it at least 139417402938 times a day? Especially when I pee? *grin*

Someone asked me, recently, if I'd "named" my new kidney. No, I haven't "named" it - In fact, I still refer to it as 'my brother's kidney' or sometimes 'my new kidney'. In honor of the sacrifices my brother made to give me this gift, I don't want to forget or cheapen the experience by using a silly nick-name. Because he gave it to me, it doesn't seem to make sense to "name" it anything other than 'Andrew's Kidney'.

In the meantime, happy 6-month birthday, Kidney!

For as much as I lay around, one would think I don't need sleep. Wrong. I lay around trying to sleep, but the actual 'sleeping' part of that isn't really happening. I really hate to drug myself into oblivious unconsciousness, mainly because I keep telling myself "it's not normal" to do it. So, as a reward for my stubbornness, about every-other-night I get next to no sleep. Like last night.

Note to self: Remember to ask Transplant Doctor next week if there is anything that can be done, short of the pharmaceutical remedy.

----

12/15/07: Insomnia, continued...

I don't understand why some people complain 24/7 about how they are such a failure. Everything is always about how they are so bad at this, that and the other. I mean, come on, when that's all you talk about/write it starts to sound like all you want is sympathy. And, I've kinda run out.

I'm frustrated by the "I'm always awful at everything" mentality some people have, mainly because I don't understand how anyone could be that critical of themselves. Period. I don't get it.

Really. No one sucks at everything, all of the time. Everyone has a bad day/experience/moment once in awhile... but is it necessary to actually SAY "I suck" at every. single. possible. juncture?

IMHO - be happy for what you have. Celebrate what you've accomplished. Reflect on the mis-steps. Do your best to change what needs to be changed for the future. STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP WHEN YOU HAVE A BAD MOMENT - and consider talking about/writing about some of the good stuff instead. I know there is good stuff in there...

You're not a failure, you're just human, you know, like the rest of us?