Dottie (the lady who has sat next to me for about the last 9 months) came back from the hospital today. She's been there for a couple of weeks because she had another stroke. After the last stroke she came back and was just fine, her personality was completely the same and she didn't have any memory loss or other problems. This time the stroke was worse and ultimately, she had some sort of surgery. When she came in today she was in a wheelchair (she has always walked before). Her son and grandson came with her for the first time. She didn't remember anyone. Not even her favorite nurse, Brenda. She couldn't remember Brenda's name. Brenda was taking care of my pod today and when Dottie didn't remember her, Brenda got a little teary. Dottie has been there for about 4 years and Brenda really does love all her patients (even if she tries to make us think she's a big meanie.) Dottie remembered me, but not my name. She kept calling me "her friend". Its sad that all the conversations she and I have had about her kids and grandkids and her life are probably lost. I remember them but I don't know if she will or does. Maybe with time she will get better. Because the chairs got re-arranged she and I aren't sitting together anymore, but I will make it a point to go and talk to her every treatment to see how she's doing. She's such a sweet lady, I hate seeing her like this. I think the hardest part of dialysis is really starting to hit home. First Steve, then Barb and now Dottie. Everyone is on the losing end of life in so many ways, it seems. I still think of Steve all the time. I think he would want me to keep fighting for all the things I fight for. I think he would be proud of me... at least I hope he would be. I think he would tell me that everything going on around me is just life... its the way it is. Best to accept it and live as best as I can than get caught up in the sadness.

... my doctor is leaving. Today was his last day, I was his last patient. How fitting - I was one of his very first patients on the very first day he came to Florida. He's a great doctor, I'm sad to see him go... Right up to the end he didn't give up pressing me to get a transplant. OK OK I'm thinking about it a bit more these days :) Darn. Now I'm going to have to go about the job of 'training' a new doctor. LOL I think I'll just stay with the other doctor at his practice, I like him, too... I just hope they don't have too many patients and decide to give me the boot.

Lillith (our Charge Nurse) told me today that everyone is going to be moving chairs because of rearrangements to the schedule. My chair is going to be on the other side of the room in the corner. I wanted to have Dottie sit next to me (she's been sitting next to me for about 9 months) but its just not possible due to the differences in our schedule. However, she said that she would try to put Steven next to me! I think he and I will have some good conversations and I'm looking forward to it. I really don't like my new chair position, but I know these things happen sometimes, so no biggie. Dana (our Administrator) is making arrangements for me to be able to have internet access during my treatments. I think someone is going to come and hardwire a LAN connection next to my chair and then in a few months they are going to upgrade their equipment to put in a wireless network. YAY FOR INTERNET ACCESS AT DIALYSIS! Yay for Dana!

My calcium is getting high. Need to keep an eye on it. Dietitian thinks maybe Renagel (sp) instead of PhosLo would be a better choice of binders. I'll ask for a sample tomorrow at my Dr's appointment.

Today's treatment was difficult. It's somewhat my own fault due to the fact that I gained 4 kilos over the weekend. In addition to that, Ken and I spent the weekend working on rearranging our house/computer room (a lot of physical activity) so I am physically exhausted. Today's treatment was one of those rare extra-draining Monday treatments - I came straight home, didn't even get undressed, buried myself under the bedcovers and went to sleep for about 6 hours. I drug myself out of bed for a few hours in the evening to be with Alek, and now I'm going back to bed. I'm beat. Tomorrow will be a better day. Tomorrow I have school!

I called Janell and left a message and she called me back today - She confirmed that I have been chosen to be a DaVita Patient Citizen Speaker!!!! I'm sooo SOOO excited. I think there are a lot of things we can accomplish as a group and I'm honored to be able to be a part of it. Our first trip to Washington D.C. is March 8 - 11th. I will post more about my trip schedule later, but one of the things this trip will include is a dialysis session with members of Congress and the media present. How strange to have a Congressman/woman sitting next to me while my blood is sucked from my body and fed through a machine. I sure hope they aren't squeamish! This is such an awesome positive opportunity and I'm so looking forward to speaking on behalf of dialysis patients. I'll post more later on the two major topics we will be discussing so those of you who care can follow along with the legislative aspect of it.

The doctors from the office next door (to the unit) were making rounds today during dialysis. One of the doctors came over to me and asked if I'd heard that my doctor (who is in another office) was leaving the practice and the state and going "up north". I hadn't heard this news but it upset me a bit. I'm cautiously skeptical about this so called 'news' because my doctor has only been in this area for about 2 years... why would he leave? And, why would he leave ME? *pout* I have an appointment coming up sometime so I guess I find out if its true or not. I love my doctor... I really hope he's not going.

Last night at around 11 I think I had what could've been considered a panic attack, or at least it was the closest I've ever come to an actual mental 'breakdown'. Yes, I've had fits of crying and upset in the past, moments of doubt (only Ken sees those) but this time it was THE REAL THING - I couldn't breathe, I couldn't stop sobbing, my mind wouldn't stop screaming for it all to end. All of it. ALL. I really scared myself, but, in the middle of it all, you know what? I didn't care. I didn't care about anything. I couldn't even stand up. Ken was yelling at me to get myself together... he was yelling because by that point I was pretty lost, I don't think he'd yell for any other reason. He was yelling mean things (like "this isn't like you" and "stop being like this" and "you're better than this") because he didn't have anything left to say to me and I was near hysteria. I was mad because he was yelling but at the same time I understood that if it weren't yelling, it would've been a smart slap in the face to calm me down. Yelling is better than slapping. Its moments like those that make me seriously consider therapy... or anti-depressants... or both. I feel like such a liar and a hypocrite. I say all these things and promote myself as this positive individual who overcomes challenge no matter what circumstance stands in my way. Yes, I'm an advocate, a voice, an outgoing, outspoken, tireless crusader. I pretend to get along with my life, do do dee doop... Well, here's some news, folks... I AIN'T THAT PERSON. I'm the biggest fisad you've ever met, wearing the biggest I'M-A-BIG-GREAT-KRISSI-LOOK-AT-ME mask you'll ever see. I'm just a little krissi. I am not that other person.

Wow. Just. Wow!

Hi Krissi! I'm a former dialysis patient (5 years). I just saw your website and was SO SO SO impressed and grateful that it's out there. It's so rare that patients get to know about what their fellow patients are going through. Thanks for creating your site! I'm also the executive director of a new dialysis patient organization called DaVita Patient Citizens. You can find out more about us on our website, www.davita.com/dpc (which is seriously due for an update!). Membership in DPC is limited to pre-diaylsis patients, dialysis patients and their families. Our mission is to make life better for all dialysis patients thru education and advocacy. I think you'd be a fantastic addition to the organization. In fact, we are currently taking applications for DPC Speakers to speak on behalf of patients to federal and state politicians as well as to the media. I'm attaching an application form, and I encourage you to apply if you're interested. I'm sure you're very busy -- you could certainly determine for yourself how much time you could dedicate to DPC. We will be taking a select group of Speakers to Washington DC in March to meet with members of Congress. I would be thrilled if you applied to be a Speaker before we make the final determination of who is invited on that trip. Please call me if you have ANY questions: 866 *** ****. Thank you!

Sincerely yours,

Janelle L*****

I've been taking the antibiotics since Tuesday and I feel much better, now. I've noticed that when I take antibiotics, so long as I haven't already gotten really sick before I start taking them, I start feeling really, REALLY good after a few days. Its like... I dunno... maybe they help more than just the 'sickness'? In any regard, I'm not coughing as much and my voice is almost back to normal (no more sexy voice for me muhahaha). The only thing I don't like about antibiotics is that they seem to weaken the little bit of kidney function I still have - i.e. I pee less when I'm on them. I notice this with any medication like Tylenol, painkillers or cold medicine, though, so I'm sure its just because... well... my kidneys don't work LOL