I'm. So. Tired.

I was supposed to get up early and have dialysis yesterday... after getting home at 2 AM? Um. I don't think so. Soooooooo I scheduled it for today... problem is, I'm too tired to go today too, plus I really kinda need to go to class, since I haven't been in two weeks.

I'm going back to bed. I'll do dialysis tomorrow... My fluid gain is not too bad and I'll just watch what I eat today (so as to keep my potassium level low). I do have to go to class, however. I think I'll go to the 2 PM class instead of my regular 11:10 AM class. I've already emailed the instructor and called my dialysis unit.

Dialysis tomorrow at my usual time and class today at a different time, but at least I'll be there.

Ugh. Back to bed. *SNORE*

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone from Flagstaff, AZ!

Today is an extra special Thanksgiving - it is not only a holiday to reflect upon the things I am thankful for, it is also the fifth anniversary of my beautiful son's adoption. Five years ago today his father and I were in a dark, cold court room in Ukraine standing before a judge who decided we would be a family.

We are thankful for so much, today and every day.

I don't know if this recipe is 'renal friendly' but it sure is yummy! Its probably better for you instead of pumpkin pie because there is less pumpkin in the mousse. The dairy (high K and phosphorous) in the whipped cream is questionable, too. Regardless, this is one of my favorite recipes and it was given to me by a friend a few years ago.

Pumpkin Mousse

1 small pack vanilla or butterscotch instant pudding
2 cups milk
1 16-oz. can pumpkin (not pumpkin pie filling)
1 teaspoon pumpkin pie spice
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1 8-oz. container of Cool Whip

Make the pudding with the milk according to package directions. Add the pumpkin, pumpkin pie spice, and cinnamon. Mix well and fold in the Cool Whip. Makes about 8 1-cup servings.

Variation (this is what I did)

If you cut the milk down to 1 cup and don't fold in the Cool Whip, the consistency comes out more like pumpkin pie filling. Top the mixture with the Cool Whip instead, and it's just like eating a pumpkin pie without the crust!!!

I had my first 'traveling' dialysis today and all went well. The staff and a couple of the patients remembered me from last year. I promised I would write a gossipy post all about the tech Richard in my blog (so here it is LOL).

Coming from a hellish day (which lasted from Monday until the early morning hours of yesterday) of travel I was pretty much exhausted just getting here. AND, coming from sea-level to 7,000+ feet I was even more exhausted. Soooooo I asked to have some O2 (Oxygen) during my treatment and can I tell you? It made ALL the difference. Seriously. I breezed through my treatment without so much as needing an extra shot of saline. I'm going to have to remember this for future trips 'up the mountain'.

Oh, and NOTE TO SELF FOR NEXT YEAR: They have really horrible television channels and no cable! Bring a book!

I just finished my treatment for today and now we (Ken, Alek and I) are getting ready to board a plane to Flagstaff, AZ for Thanksgiving. I have my treatments all set up at the same dialysis facility as last year - Flagstaff Dialysis (catchy name, eh?) - and I'm looking forward to seeing everyone there... I wonder if they'll remember me?

As for Thanksgiving, there will be pleanty to do and many people to see :) Ken's brother, sis-in-law and new baby nephew will be flying in from Hawaii where they live. Ken's childhood friend (who is like another brother to him) and his friend's girlfriend and two daughters will be driving down from Las Vegas. Everyone is staying at Ken's parents' house in Flagstaff. Alek is excited to have other kids around to play with and I'm excited to be somewhere OTHER than Florida where its COLD and feels 'seasonal'.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving!

Today, for the very first time, I put in my own needles before my dialysis treatment! Yay me! Everyone in the room cheered for me after I did it, which made me feel special, but sort of silly. I should've been doing this long ago - it turns out it was really no big deal. In almost two years of dialysis I have not once watched someone insert the needles, until I watched myself do it today. I usually look away because it for some reason grosses me out. But not today. Today I just sat down, picked up the needle and announced I was going to put it in myself. I put the blunt needle in the bottom buttonhole and a regular sharp in the new top buttonhole... so I didn't chicken out for either. I think I surprised Brenda (my tech) but she was a great coach... I wouldn't have wanted anyone else to help me do it the first time. She was so impressed! Heck, I was impressed! Now I've just got to figure out how to pull them out myself, which is a bit trickier because it involes a little more coordination.

This is just one step closer to me doing home hemo. OH and I can't WAIT to be doing this at home, on my own time!!!

I feel like I've been absent from blogging for awhile. Or at least absent in entries with actual content.

... I guess its because I have a lot on my mind.

Foremost on my mind is my friend Steven C. He is a fellow dialysis patient who sits in the chair next to mine. We have had the same time for dialysis (M-W-F mornings) and sat in the same spot for almost a year. He is fairly young (and by young I mean, by dialysis-patient standards) and we have a lot in common. We are 'friends' outside of dialysis, which is why all this is painful.

Steven C. has been having a rough time over the last few months. It started with him having terrible pain in his stomach/abdomen which resulted in a couple major surgeries for things like gall stones. And then just as he was recovering from that, he got sepsis, which in and of itself can be deadly for a dialysis patient. The sepsis put him in the hospital again. Finally when he got all better from that, on his very first treatment back in-center his access clotted. They tried twice to unclot it and finally resorted to readmitting him to the hospital and putting in a chest cath so he could receive treatment. About two weeks after that they went back in and were able to unclot his arm/access so at least he was able to start using it again. You'd think that was enough for awhile, right? No. Now he has some weird blood clot or circulation problem in his right leg which is causing him more pain. Today he was going back into the hospital so they could try to figure out what to do. Worst case scenario they might have to amputate his leg or a part of it... and he has already said there is no way he's going to do that.

So, yeah, things aren't great.

Everything is starting to feel like a repeat of last year when my friend Steve J. (yes, same name, how ironic) started getting ill before he passed away in January. Steve J. was someone I confided in about my worst fears about kidney failure... stuff none of you (minus the few of you on my flist who are on the same ESRD ride I am) can understand. Stuff no one can understand unless they've had kidney failure and been on dialysis. And when Steve J. died... I felt like I didn't have anyone to talk to. I have had a difficult time with Steve J.'s death and on some days I still can't believe it... and now Steven C. is saying he's ready to call it quits.

I'm getting worried... and scared... and sick to my stomach whenever I think about it.

I want you all to know that I believe with every fiber of my being that it is a person's right to choose their own demise so long as that choice is informed. This includes dialysis patients who decide to withdraw treatment to end their life...

... but I have never had to experience this, and I don't want to, even though I feel its his right to make that decision.

*I* want Steven C. to continue to fight, to continue to live, to want to live... but I can't make him. I can't tell him what's right, I can't even tell him what to do about all of it. Yes, I can tell him how much value his life holds to me, but that doesn't really matter when it gets down to it... not to someone who looks death in the face on a daily basis.

So right now I'm sad. Mortified. Horrified that Steven C. won't be around much longer and I will be alone, yet again. No amount of anything will make this better.

Kidney failure sucks.