... went very well! I'm soooooooo impressed with the DaVita unit here in El Caljon, CA. They have a beautiful unit and all new equipment. The staff is very nice, too. I was worried I might encounter problems but nothing has gone wrong. My next treatment isn't until Tues so I'm trying hard not to drink too much in the dry desert of San Diego.

Did I mention I'm going to Ramona, CA (San Diego) next week (leaving Friday, coming back on the 4th of August)? Wanna know why? I need to get a handle on my life. I feel like I'm going no where. I've lost my motivation. All I want to do is lay in bed, watch TV, and/or sleep. Nothing else. Someone recently brought up the possibility that I might be depressed. Humm, maybe, I don't know. I don't feel sad or hopeless, just under-motivated. Someone else suggested maybe I'm having a hard time dealing with kidney failure. That could be, I suppose, but, I doubt it. I don't really have a mental fixation on it (well, other than obviously rather having kidneys than not.) I've had a long time to get used to it and accept what it is. Another someone suggested I consider anti-depressants. No way. I would have to literally be suicidal or crazy to add more drugs to my daily regime. Some people can truly benefit from those medications, but, I don't really think they are for me. I will not expect less of myself (or let others expect less of me) just because of THIS. I won't. I just need.... some... time? I think my lack of motivation comes from my lack of working. I miss my job, even though I worked my TAIL OFF and sometimes felt (physically) bad because of it. I miss having a reason to go out of the house each day, I miss having other people depend on me. I miss the praise I used to get and the satisfaction I had from working. Yeah. I need to get a handle on this. I do have lots of positive goals - I want to go back to school, get a degree, a part-time job, spend more time with Alek & Ken... lots of things. But, I've got to find some motivation to really act on them or I'm going to get stuck here forever. The lack of "a thousand things to do at once" in my life is annoying. If I don't have all those things to do I seem to get nothing done. San Diego (specifically the people I'm going to visit) has always been my "safe-haven". My son is going with me and while we're there we'll celebrate his 4th birthday. The only thing I wish could be different is that I wish Ken could go... So, I'm going out there to think - away from the usual every-day life stresses.

I have always paid for the insurance on all my credit cards and accounts in the event that I become disabled or unemployed. I had a horrible experience with American Express's insurance back in 2000 - 2001 after I'd been laid off from my job. Amex changed insurance companies in the middle of when I was making a claim and, to make a long story short, I lost out on the benefits I'd been paying for for several years because I missed the deadline dates to file with the new company. I vowed never to go through that again because its downright fraud. So I have these two credit cards (by the same company) that I've been paying for insurance on for 3+ years. When I started dialysis and then stopped working, I called up to activate my benefits. Today I got a letter in the mail saying my BENEFITS WERE DENIED because I failed to comply with their deadline dates. AHHHHHHHHHH! I'm so mad. I did everything they asked me to, including filling out a 6-page form that had to be signed by both my doctor and former employer. I can't believe they actually do this to people and think they can get away with it. I'm not going to let them get away with it... no way. Here's the letter I wrote to them to try to resolve it. If it doesn't work, then I WILL get my attorney involved. BFC Insurance Agency of Nevada Administrator for AccountSecure PO Box 6983 Bridgewater, NJ 08807-0983 RE: Benefit Activation # C######## Account #’s 5############### & 5############### July 8, 2004 To Whom it May Concern: In regards to your letter of denial of benefits dated 7-1-04, I would like to request a review of the information submitted on behalf of my claim. You have stated that you are denying my claim because I either failed to notify you via phone within 90 days of the "qualifying event" and/or I failed to provide you with the correct paperwork within 45 days. I have, however, completely complied with all of the AccountSecure requirements, including both reasons listed for denial. I became disabled due to End Stage Renal Disease (kidney failure) on 1-21-04 and, as a result, had to discontinue working as of 4-15-04. I notified your company via phone to that I wished to activate my benefits on 5-13-04. This was within the 90 day required notification time. I received a packet of paperwork approximately one week later. The letter and instructions which accompanied the paperwork clearly stated: "If we do not receive your completed Benefit Activation Form and all required documentation within 45 calendar days of 5-13-04 your benefit activation request will not be considered." Forty-five calendar days from 5-13-04 would have been 6-27-04 (a Sunday). My packet of paperwork was postmarked and mailed on 6-10-04 – 18 days before the end of the "45 calendar day" limit. I know you received my paperwork prior to the deadline because of your confirmation letter dated 6-28-04 (Monday). If my paperwork was for some reason not processed for eighteen days after I mailed it to you, this is the fault of your company, not of my non-compliance. I have faithfully paid for the insurance on both my credit cards since I became a cardholder nearly 3 years ago. If we can not resolve this simple issue of misunderstood dates, I will be forced to involve my attorney in this matter of attempted fraud. Please contact me as soon as possible to resolve this issue. I may be reached via phone at 727-###-#### or at the mailing address on my account. Regards, Krissi Bates

Other than last week's fluid overload experience not much else has changed. Things have been going more smoothly over the last couple of weeks. My treatments have been pretty good and I haven't had a bad headache in awhile. I'm still anemic but my hematocrit/hemoglobin are slowly coming up (due to the 40,000 units of EPO they are now giving me every week!!!) The EPO still makes my BP high so I'm back on 3 BP meds. I wish I could be like other dialysis patients and stop taking BP meds now that I'm on hemo. OH WELL. I'm glad the headaches are gone. I'm going on vacation with my son to the San Diego area from July 23 - August 4. It will be my first time traveling while receiving treatments. I'm excited!

Ugh. I finally got the article written for AAKP's magazine and let me tell you, it wasn't the easiest thing for me to write. Since I didn't have a choice about the title or subject of the article, and with no personal experience as a pediatric dialysis patient (or as a parent of one), it was somewhat hard to stay on topic. The article was required to pertain to children with ESRD and/or parents. I went for the parent angle. Certainly not my most shining work, but here it is... its been sent to the publisher so I hope they like it...

Self-Confidence and the Pediatric Dialysis Patient By: Krissi Bates – ESRD Patient & MyKidney.com Owner

"You make your own happiness" is what my mother always said. That phrase wasn’t something I would truly come to understand until years after I was a scared teenager, barely fifteen years old, finding out I’d be living a different life than my idealistic teenaged mind had thought lay ahead. At the moment I heard "Chronic Kidney Disease" I thought my life was over, my happiness gone, my future surly in disaster. But, my mom never stopped reminding me with that one little phrase that I, and not some silly kidney disease, was in charge of my attitude and my future. Since being diagnosed thirteen years ago I’ve had the opportunity to grow as an individual and learn to appreciate the "tools" I was given to live my life successfully as an ESRD patient. Now, as an adult, I can look back and appreciate the best gift my parents gave me to handle kidney failure. They played a crucial role in my early coping with chronic disease by simply giving me good living proof of how anyone can overcome even the most dismal sounding diagnosis with a little bit of optimism and a whole lot of determination. They helped me find the key to my success: a positive attitude and self-confidence. The foundation for my self-confidence began with my parents but it has continued with my resolve to be happy with my life, no matter what hand of cards I’ve been dealt. While it hasn’t always been easy to have a positive attitude (like everyone else, I do have bad days sometimes) it’s been an amazingly rewarding journey into self-discovery. When I finally learned what it meant to make my own happiness, I was able to believe unquestionably in who I am – a self-confident individual who is ready to take on all of life’s challenges, including ESRD. Hearing the words "End Stage Renal Disease" from your child’s doctor reverberates something so threatening, permanent and horrifyingly final. I’m certain my parents must have been just as dismayed as I would be today if I found out my son had kidney failure. But, it doesn’t have to be the dark and dismal future that you might be imagining. As you embark on the ESRD journey with your child, consider that your negative feelings are normal and will be overcome with time. You and your child will learn how to make your own happiness, just as I did. To help your child become a self-confident dialysis patient you must first understand that he can’t get there in a single leap. First, he needs a good example to revere – Begin by examining your own attitude and, if necessary, make changes towards a more positive outlook. Secondly, you and your child must learn to accept ESRD one step at a time. Each one of us, young or old grieve the loss of our kidneys when we learn that they have failed. As a parent you, too, have probably grieved for your child’s loss while watching your child struggle with the physical, emotional and mental trials that accompany ESRD. Embracing this grief as it occurs and learning to understand and accept that the feelings of denial, anger and fear are normal, is the healthiest way to a positive outcome. Attempts to deny the grieving cycle will only allow unresolved negative emotions to resurface at a later time and prevent your child from becoming a self-confident, self-reliant and functioning individual. After you’ve begun to accept your child’s ESRD, take advantage of all the resources available to you and learn everything you can about kidney disease and dialysis. Join a support group or talk with other parents of children with ESRD. Research every website on the internet with kidney disease information. Be sure to ask your child’s doctors lots of questions, learn everything you can and never give up hope. The more you learn, the more you will understand and the greater benefit your child will have from the knowledge you possess and pass on to him. While we can shelter our smallest kidney patients from much of the technical and medical jargon associated with ESRD, we can’t, and shouldn’t, shut them away from what is happening to their bodies by not talking with them about it. Don’t be afraid to be honest with your child, as much as you can be. Honesty will help him begin to understand and accept himself and have confidence in his life and future. Communicating with your child about what is happening to his body is essential to his self-confidence. Allowing your child to help make decisions about his health not only encourages the necessary skills for him to continue making wise decisions into adulthood, but also puts him in the driver’s seat of his own body. Just as it is important to have good communication and decision-making skills, so, too, is helping your child deal with the emotional rollercoaster of ESRD. Help him understand and work through his feelings by offering many opportunities to talk – and don’t forget to listen! Let him be angry or sad if he needs to be and then help him find a way to like himself for who he is. And, once in awhile, just let him be a kid instead of just a kid with a chronic disease. You, like my parents, can not change what your child is going through. You can, however, set the positive example in your attitude to help him during the ESRD journey. Self-confidence will come almost naturally when you and your child begin to understand and acknowledge the emotions, good and bad, that result from all of life’s experiences. Making my own happiness has not always been the easiest thing to do, but, it has been the one thing I’ve counted on when nothing else seems to be going my way. Knowing that I am in control of my own happiness has kept me confident about life – confident that each day is worth living and that I’m happy to be alive. Let me know what you think...