I feel so sluggish, lately. I have a hard time concentrating. My brain feels like oatmeal. Sometimes I can't remember exactly what I was doing when I have to stop momentarily and do something else. Its hard for me to sit at my desk and work, let alone do it without constantly getting side-tracked. My stomach hurts and my skin itches. Food doesn't like me. This is all so strange to me. I've always been ahead of the game and now I feel like I'm quickly lagging behind. I wonder how much longer I'll be able to work before I have to quit or take some time off due to exhaustion...

Ugh. I had a bad night. I wasn't able to get to sleep and didn't sleep long once I actually passed out. I have Restless Leg Syndrome which is common in ESRD (End-Stage Renal Disease) patients. Its about the CRAZIEST thing I've ever experienced and its getting worse. I didn't have any problems with RLS until maybe 6 months ago. Since then, every night when I lay down to go to sleep, just about the time I'm drifting off, my legs start feeling really funny. Even sometimes during the day, while sitting at my desk at work, I have the same feeling (its brought on by inactivity or staying still in one place.) My legs feel like my skin is bubbling all over or as if bugs are crawling on me. I have little micro-muscle twitching all over my legs that you can actually see and feel with your hands. Sometimes it even feels tingly like when your leg falls asleep. Its the most bizare feeling... Some nights are worse than others. Some nights my legs only feel funny for a little while and its enough to ignore and go to sleep. Other nights (like last) it's near torture. The Quinine I started taking in June has taken away the muscle cramps but has done nothing for the RLS. I suppose now I'll have to get ANOTHER prescription from the doctor to help with it...*sigh*

I thought I'd come to terms with dialysis. Now the DOCTORS are the ones who are making me nervous again. They treat dialysis as if only a crazy person would 'choose' dialysis and are really pushing me to get on a transplant list. They don't get it. No one in their right mind would CHOOSE dialysis over having normal, functioning kidneys. But, since I don't have NORMAL FUNCTIONING KIDNEYS I have to make a choice based on what my options are. OK, so maybe I'll change my mind... but for now I DON'T WANT A TRANSPLANT... Is that so bad? I know how all the anti-rejection drugs will make me feel (since I've been on most of them) and I just don't want to live like that. Dialysis seems like the easier option. It's my choice, right?

Wow. My rate of kidney function decline is really scaring even me. In 4 weeks my creatine went from 5.0 to 6.0 (bad bad bad bad) My doctor was 'optimistic' at my appointment on Friday, but after getting the labs back today, I'd be curious to know what he thinks now. He keeps saying that he thinks I'm going to be fine (not need dialysis) for at least another year. He seems to have some impression that my creatine will just suddenly be fine... it irritates me how overly un-realistic he is. God knows being that way isn't fooling ME, of all people. 6.0 is bad... very, very bad. My BUN climbed to 50, too (last time it was 39 - anything above 25 is abnormal) indicating my kidneys are basically doing a piss-poor job (no pun intended) at... well... pissing. To put it into perspective - it took me 11 years for my creatine to go from 1.3 (nearly normal) to 3.2 ... and only 11 months for it to go from 3.2 to 6.0 Yikes. In other news... I don't feel so bad. Having mostly good days lately. :)