I've been trying to limit my fluid intake because I've been retaining so much water it becomes uncomfortable at times. My legs swell up to the point that my shins hurt and my feet start to feel numb. My kidneys are on somewhat of a rollercoaster, though - I'll have a couple of days where I'm retaining water and then suddenly get very dehydrated. Its as if my kidneys fall asleep for a few days and the wake up with a jolt and go into overdrive. Either that, or I haven't quite figured out what foods I'm eating that could be contributing to water retention (besides the obvious... salt.) I drank 5 glasses of water last night after work because I also took a diuretic to help with the water retention. I really shouldn't have taken it because I knew my body was on the "flush" cycle of things (already getting rid of backed up water...) So, after getting up about a dozen times in the middle of the night to pee, I'm pretty weak this morning with dehydration. Its very weird - I started thinking about it the other day and I realized that I don't really know (or remember) what its like to feel normal. I've had this kidney disease half my life now and prior to being diagnosed I was just a kid (and who pays attention to stuff like this when they're a kid...?) I sure do hope dialysis will work out for me. I don't think I want a transplant yet... Most people don't realize that kidney transplants only last, on average, for 8-12 years. Which means that in my lifetime I'll probably need more than one transplant. I also hope that dialysis will make me feel better... *crosses fingers* I have another appointment with my kidney doctor next Friday, and an appointment with a vascular surgeon on the following Monday. The surgeon will be the one to evaluate me for the fistula and/or graft I will have to have put in my arm. I'm hoping we can do it this summer before Alek comes back...

I'm feeling sorry for myself right now. It never lasts long, but, what a drag. This whole dialysis thing has put me in a manic state. One moment I'm completely fine with everything and telling myself that this isn't the end of the world, lots of people do it, nothing to whine about... and the next minute I'm purposefully depressing myself by reading statistics, research and clinical texts about dialysis and kidney disease. I feel that I have to know everything I can possibly know about it because I would be an uneducated patient (which is aginst all my basic principles) if I didn't. On the other hand I want to be carefree and let someone else do all they worrying. I'm happy, sad, happy, sad, happy, sad... it gets tiresome. The entire time I just feel ROTTEN (physically, that is) and am getting to the point that my "bad days" are far more frequent than my "good days." Every day I'm tired, listless and usually have a headache or am sick to my stomach (or both). I itch all over and my concentration level is next to zero. My brain feels fuzzy - even simple work tasks that I've done for years are tedious. My sleep is restless and I have nightmares every night. There is a weird ringing in my ears which is sometimes more like a "mute button" that makes everything else around me sound muffled. I get sick to my stomach with too much activity... even taking a shower isn't necessarily a pleasurable experience (standing up in the heat makes me feel weak.) Its an effort for me to do ANYTHING other than lay in one place or sit and watch television. I don't feel like eating and then when I actually do get hungry I regret eating afterward. I just want to "get it on" and start dialysis. OK, there, I said it. I want to start it so that I will feel better. I hate, hate, HATE being slowed down like this. I hate worrying Ken all the time and hanging around complaining that I don't feel good. I put on a big front for most who know me, but around Ken I just can't hold it in. The way I feel is all-consuming now, I can't ignore it anymore. It never stops or leaves me alone. I don't want to stop working but if something doesn't change it will be a necessity. I just can't physically do what I've been doing. The more my kidney function declines the heavier my workload seems become (that's what I get for working for a rapidly growing company...) I just hope that I will have a couple of good days while we're on our vacation in August. Going on a cruise is something I've been wanting to do for a long time... I hope I don't ruin it for Ken and I both. The way I feel is so unpredictable now... If you don't see me here often it's not because I'm not reading your entries. I still am. I just don't always have the energy to write nor the mind frame to be positive. I'm struggling to keep my positive attitude because I just hate people who wallow in pity for themselves...