Thanks to all of you who've been so supportive of me. It really means a lot.... Strange how people you've never met can become so important to you when you start reading about their daily lives. I love all of you *HUGS* Thanks to moobabe for calling last night. Sorry I didn't hear my phone ring. You must've called right as Ken got to my house. He's been gone all week on a business trip so we were cuddling on the couch :) Anyway, I feel much better today.... I think I can get a lot done at work today, too. Oh, and if anyone else ever wants to exchange phone #'s let me know. I'm not really much of a 'talk on the phone a lot' type of person, but I'll give anyone my # who wants it.

I'm doing OK. Really I'm very worried about my financial situation and how I'm going to survive when I start dialysis. As a single mom there is just no way I can fit enough hours in the day to work, go to dialysis and have enough energy for my son. Not to mention I'm struggling to work 40 hours now - I feel like poo. And, I've depleted my savings account over the last year just paying for health insurance premiums & bills (when I divorced I had to go on COBRA - $1000 every three months for the premium alone... plus 20% of the doctors bills, etc.) I won't make enough money working part-time to survive. Hopefully I'll get disability, but, as you know, that doesn't kick in for 6 months... and from what the person at SSD told me today, I might even get DENIED disability all together. Presently, with working the hours I am, getting paid what I do and with the child support I get, I just BARELY make more than enough money to disqualify me for everything else, including child care assistance, medicaid and other things such as that. I know my 'status' will change, once I'm not working as much, but in the meantime... So I'm trying to figure out how to bridge the gap. The hardest part for me is that I've always been a very independent person. I've had a job since I was 14 (and babysitting jobs before that, even.) I finished high school early to go to college. I moved half-way across the country, away from my family at the age of 17. I've always been "full-speed ahead" in my life, and I don't let anything stop me or slow me down. Even acknowledging the fact that no matter what I do, I will have to have some sort of government assistance, makes my stomach churn. I will NOT be a welfare mother and I will NOT be a charity case. I just have to figure out how to do this alone. I try to find the silver lining in everything and I try not to let anything depress me. I've had 12 years to get used to kidney failure... but now that the time has come, I feel like I'm spinning my wheels. I feel like I can no longer support myself, let alone my son, and I have no stability whatsoever. Not in my finances, not in my job, not in my health, not in my life. I know this won't be permanent... it can't be... but the interim is driving me crazy. The "not knowing-ness" of it all is making me insane. The way I've always coped with everything is thinking and thinking and thinking about it until I've gotten it all figured out. And, this, especially with the money, I just can't quite "think" it to a conclusion, yet. I feel so lost (which is a strange feeling for me to feel) that I wish I just had someone who did everything for me - and just told me to "sign here, here and here" and have it all figured out. Adopting my son was 1,000 times easier than this...

Since my surgery I've been craving my "comfort foods" more than usual. My comfort foods are: Starbucks Iced Tea (unsweetened) McDonald's Cheeseburgers Olive Garden Minestrone Soup Olive Garden Spaghetti with Marinara Sauce Cheerios (with or without milk)

As I mentioned in my last post, yesterday went pretty well. Today I'm on the mend. My arm starts aching pretty bad whenever the pain medicine wears off... and, the more pain medication I take, the more bouts of nausea I have toward the end of its effectiveness. I wonder if this is why people can get addicted to pain medicine so easily... because when I take another dose right on time, I start feeling just fine again. There are two vertical incisions in the 'crook' of my arm, where it bends. I don't know why, but I guess I thought there would only be one. One of them is about 2 inches long and the other is about an inch. My arm is pretty swollen around that area and hurts all the way up to my shoulder. When I put my fingers over the incision I can already feel the swooshing of blood being re-routed as it should be. I can also see my pulse pumping in my arm. I hope this is a good sign. The vein hasn't started popping out, yet... I wonder how long that will take before I will actually see it start growing bigger (the intended outcome.) Because my arm hurts, I can't drive today. I have a manual-shift transmission car, not to mention the pain drugs make me somewhat loopy during their strongest effects. Ken took Alek to daycare and will pick him up tonight. So, I'm stuck home today. That's about all the typing my arm can handle right now. Thanks for everyone's well wishes!

I survived :) The surgery was easy and I was out of the hospital by 11 AM. My arm hurts, but I have good pain drugs. They make me sleepy. More details later, when I'm more awake...

So, tomorrow is my surgery for the fistula placement so I can begin dialysis. I'm thinking of having Ken take the digital camera so we can have before, during and after pictures of the procedure. I think that would really be neat... It should take at least 6 weeks for my fistula to mature. I keep looking at my arm and thinking tomorrow it will never look the same again. Its sort of sad. I guess I'd better get used to the 'New Me'... It won't be the last scar I have, I'm certain.

The appointment with the surgeon today went well. All is set for next week's surgery - I switched it from Tues to Thurs so I could also take Friday off if necessary. Last night I was searching for pictures/images of AV Fistulas. There aren't a lot out there. The ones I saw were really scary and gross. The stupidest thing about all 'this' is that my biggest fear is being all scarred up. I like my body the way it is - whole and unaltered (well, except the tattoos, but I chose to have those!) The hardest part for me to deal with is KNOWING that my arm will LOOK different and have scars. I know its stupid. But it upsets me.

Well, I went to my nephrologist yesterday for more bad news. My creatine is now 7.0 (so, its gone up 1 point steadily for the last 4 months... not good) and suddenly my 'overly optimistic' doctor has decided he was being too optimistic. Now the race is on to get me set up with a dialysis access. I'm glad I pushed that point a couple of months ago and got started on the process. At least I'm somewhat prepared. Which brings me to another point that I don't think I ever wrote about... About a month ago, after much insisting to my nephrologist, I went to see the vascular surgeon about my dialysis access. I wanted to get the process started well in advance of my actually needing it because I have a very demanding schedule (work, mommyhood, social life, etc.) That way, I wouldn't be rushed or get into an 'emergency' situation where I needed it RIGHT NOW without plenty of time. So, I went to the surgeon my nephrologist referred me to. The new doctor whisked into the room and told me he was going to be putting an graft in my arm. I told him I didn't want a graft, if I could avoid it, and that I preferred an AV Fistula, instead. His eyebrows raised in surprise realizing that I know what I'm talking about. He asked me why. I told him that the obvious reason for choosing a Fistula over a Graft is that a Fistula is 100% natural (connecting one's own artery to a vein) whereas a Graft is not (it connects a piece of tubing to the artery and vein.) Fistulas last longer and work better, as they are 'natural' and Grafts wear out sooner. (No dialysis lasts a lifetime and one usually has to get more than one over time...) The doctor seemed irritated with me and suggested that I just accept his recommendation. I told him I at least wanted to be tested for a Fistula, and that if I didn't qualify, then I would accept a Graft (what other choice would I have?) He acted like it was a big waste of time, but agreed to write me a script for the ultrasounds needed to see if my veins were big enough. I had the ultrasound done 2 weeks ago. It showed that I do have large enough veins in my right arm for an AV Fistula. I was hoping for my left arm, since I'm right-handed, but I'll take a Fistula in ANY arm, over a graft. I'm so glad I insisted to the doctor that I be tested... it just goes to prove, again, how important it is to be an informed patient! I will see the surgeon again on Wednesday and my surgery is scheduled for next Tues (a week from today.) I'm pretty sure its an outpatient surgery so hopefully it won't be a big deal. The nephrologist doesn't think my kidneys will last until Christmas at this point.... which is a bummer. Ken and I have a trip to Flagstaff, AZ planned to visit family. Its not that I couldn't do dialysis there, its just that I would barely be getting started and not even into a routine, yet. Oh, yes, and one more thing. My neph switched around my drugs again, a new BP medication again. I'm losing track of all the names of the medications I'm on... so its no wonder I feel dizzy today!!!